"I couldn’t believe, I wanted to believe, but I couldn’t believe in a God who wasn’t better than the ordinary decent man. The monks told me that God had created the world for his glorification. That didn’t seem to me a very worthy object. Did Beethoven create his simphonies for his glorification? I don’t believe it. I believe he created them because the music in his soul demanded expression and then all he tried to do was make them as perfect as he knew how."
The razors edge, W. Somerset Maugham
"For example, although spiderwebs look drab and white to us, we now know that to the ultraviolet-sensitive eyes of the insects for whom they were designed, they are actually brightly colored and hence alluring."
Michael Talbot, The Holographic Universe
I keep slipping.
I often become a stranger to myself. And it just creeps up on me. Until suddenly I realize I’m no longer who I want to be, and I don’t recognize who I am. These cycles.
I’m determined this time to not fail. But it is so hard when you don’t know where to start. I’m feeling overwhelmed already.
What I know:
- School is going to be a huge challenge. Some professors in grad school are still very instructive and show you the path, even if they do not help you walk it. Some professors blindfold you, spin you in circles, and run away giggling and leaving you in the dark. Both have good intentions, but it is so hard to learn by groping in suffocating darkness.
- Reading helps me maintain my direction. I will sacrifice time for this. Even time I should be studying. The challenge - finding the balance. Dedicating enough time to both.
- Running keeps me centered. Even though it, too, requires time that is harder and harder to find. Even if it is only three miles. Running helps me.
- Ballet helps my intentions. Ballet reminds me that everything is with purpose, and to carry myself with confidence.
- Writing will always open my eyes. It is the hardest thing for me to set aside time to do. But I think writing, more than anything, will keep me from slipping again. Will keep me on the path I am creating for myself.
- Alone time. Critical. The hardest of all. Harder than studying. Separating yourself when the opposite seems so rewarding.
Don’t forget this, Tara.
Try. Try. Try.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."